I have considered taking full Custody of him which would wipe our CPS from our lives but since his Mom would never agree to this, upon legal advice I have been advised NOT to pursue this. Your words made a difference. From one foster carer to another. She was a white baby girl. It is true, though that many foster parents need the compensation. I know who my Dad is and where he was for my childhood. For 6 months or better neither of the parents did anything to get their child back and I of course am the horrible person who took this child in. I’m not going to go into my story, but I am a foster mom with ups and downs. I’ve been in foster care for 3 years but in the system for 6 years. Adoption stories – Parents. “The paper (training?) There are entire policies in place that literally push black families into neighborhoods with few to no resources. But concerning your fear, this verse popped into mind: “For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.” 2 Tim 1:7. Maybe it is. The supper has to be cooked and bath time taken care of and any home work that needs to be done that night, on top of a normal early bedtime. For all the good that the Internet can do, what you are experiencing can really only be handled through actual human contact. But we have two options. Your email address will not be published. I didn’t really want a baby. Well since it was, every time I asked for help they wouldn’t. Through it all, though, I’ve had the most amazing support team here in Washoe County. But we submitted for several others. Remember that reference to Once Upon A Time where the main character was bumped around in the foster care system for 18 years? I have become aggressive and depressive. That’s all I can say. I have no illusions that it will be easy but someone has to do it and I believe that I can. My partner and I going to begin training next month. Those neural pathways are formed in early years, and exposing a child to nothing but detrimental behaviours leaves almost irreversible damage (as detailed by your’s and others’ experiences). ), they have benefited from racism.” We wiped the poop off of her cast (due to physical abuse). Everything you have said has rung true to someone we know in the foster system. We just recently got his little brother, 4yo as kinship care. Everyone was white! The children have learned that in order to get a parent to do what they want they need to yell, scream, fight and hit. This is because that paperwork is used to determine their level of care. Lack of support, being accused , scrutiny over your family, your personal business and decisions become that of the state and the Foster care workers. This is my opinion. With humor as well! You have given us a lot to think about. But on an emotional level they are all there with me. “Each (as in ‘every’) child is entitled to parents (i.e. Throughout my time in care, I also developed close relationships with some of my social workers. I told my family, and my friends (ala facebook), and was all excited. You are taking them into your family. My wife and I were straight adoption for two years. He came to me at 18 months only speaking 2 words, they were supposed to have in place Early Intervention but that didn’t happen until I got him. The workers often leave out diagnoses or other important information just to get the Kids placed. Consider that these children come from environments where they rule the roost. Mt parents were just messed up. Hallelujah someone who understands! What kept you from running out the door straight into traffic? CPS wouldn’t help her, they felt she was trying to get over on the system. That NCIS shrink who complained about the “cash checkers” who were his foster parents? You are supposed to note pretty much any thing that happens to the child during that day. Thankyou for this post . I understand its not for everyone, we do have a heart for children. But because I live about 1300 miles away from them their physical support is limited. Stable, reliable and have a lot to give. Your friends and family want to support you through this journey, but … However the road there was quite dark. Next morning I took him to ER and he had 3 serious issues going on. But it helps. As a business woman I never worked so hard, wasted so much time, or did more paper work for less benefit in my life. The first child was born and removed for abuse before three months. The paperwork, lies. Indeed. . What I would say is that the right decision will probably involve some level of sacrifice. Keep in mind those in the worse conditions need the help more. I don’t want my son to be taught any kind of games as such. Siblings get broken apart because taking on multiple children is an immense drain. I understand that we want to minimize the placement disruption but we can’t do so to the long term detriment of the children. That the emptiness in our culture is resolvable through the use of substances. The opinions expressed herein are those of the blog author and do not necessarily represent the views of Children’s Rights or its employees. Wow and Whoa John! and kept feeling like foster care is not for me because I’ve never been a parent, so how can I deal with all of that? Unless, of course, white people are the only ones who can be racist. My daughter is a Meth addict and her current husband has multiple felony drug convictions for using and dealing drugs. We may consider foster-adoption, we may look into regular adoption, we may decide that we want to try having bio kids, we may say to hell with parenting and go on luxurious cruises.. My other big concern has been wanting to adopt every child that comes into my home. Absolutely not, they do it because they haven’t developed the skills – much less even seen the skills role modeled for them to manage and/or communicate their wants/needs in a healthy, constructive manner. But because I am so far away from them it does make things more difficult. It, however, is an undeniable fact that people from diverse ethnicities represent a much higher proportion who have grown up in poverty and trauma. We have had no regrets in taking guardianship of his older brother who has added so much joy and love to our lives. Everyone thinks that fosterkids and foster parents are the only ones who need support. If you have a wife, you have to … My first placement was a extremely sick baby that I had to take to ER. Say there was a family emergency and you needed to drive to the next state to help out. She had us both. I will share this information with my sister since she has decided to foster kids. Developer, author, musician, global domination theoretician, Parent was robbing a store while intoxicated and on drugs. They were actually quite contrite about what Meth had done to their family. We go and visit them any chance we get. That sexual abuse the others go threwthrough. Then the second slide said “recognizing your own racism and adoptism is painful.”. When we were doing the most we had at least 5 therapy visits per week. But taking a second job is a lot easier than taking on more children. It’s easy to talk about such things, but very difficult to live them. This is because many (most?) I have been called racist names and treated differently (derogatorily) by Mexicans my whole life based on the color of my skin. There have been so many things the counselors or medications being prescribed for the children haven’t been able to do in helping the children, or us as a family unit. I didn’t find this post discouraging at all. I don’t know you or your struggles. At the very least, as a poor white child, you can turn on the television and see white people who are portrayed as inherently good, living in middle class families and being seen as pillars of success. Make sure you surround yourself with lots of support system and be sure you are ready for sleepless nights and gruelling days. If someone were to call me a rapist or philanderer I would be rightly defensive because that term does not describe me. I was actually pretty good at it. I also have 2 kids if my own 21 & 15 I have no criminal record last car i had was 15 yrs ago guy ran stop sign I hit him not my fault. Resources include a blog post on keeping siblings together, a website for raising grandchildren, a magazine written by parents who have experienced the child welfare … As expected, I am not ready to be a foster parent but in a few years I think I will be. As you are probably aware, Singapore has a very strict drug trafficking laws, and the laws react strongly to anything detrimental to public peace. They just want to close the case. But we knew that we were still just foster parents. I respect her enough, that I will never do that for that was both our decision. He was socially awkward and now he keeps friends. They are all great kids, but I don’t want to jeopardize their childhood attempting to help other children. Reactive Attachment Disorder. You writings meant a lot to me and I’m glad I got a second point of view. Being a foster parent is not easy. But what it does is keep poverty from being a sentence handed down. Siblings do one of two things. We made ourselves vulnerable so our children can heal, grow and prosper. Poverty, itself, is a problem. Some black children grow up in communities where the schools have no heat (Baltimore), they have no access to clean water (Flint) and they are shut out from the family life you described. That would seem to indicate that they get out of the system quicker. They will get tucked in at night. But my life is so much more enriched for having my mini man, as much as my house is a warzone and my neighbors think we’re crazy and I dissolve in self pity on some days. really). We do both work full time but even before the lock downs my wife works from home 80% of the time. Part of me feels an obligation to share that same light with another kid who is terrified and confused by the world. I have two siblings in foster care for a few years and am finding it harder and harder to cope with the deceipt, scheming and lies especially from the girl who is a teenager. Luisa. That is what they signed up for, after all. You seem to have a lot going on which doesn’t seem like the right time to foster a child especially as a single parent. School police escorts to get to school, reports filed including photographs of mine and his injuries due to restraint to the county, yeah, I’ve done that. I am late 60s. That’s somewhat similar to how it used to be in various states. My husband & I are a pre-adoptive home to a sibling group of two and he’s having trouble understanding their behaviors (though few). But everyone’s experience is unique. She had darker skin than I, but was just another kid to me. It took about a month but it wasn’t long before our little Christmas miracle was gone. So you get one or more children in your home and it’s a matter of having the parents go through the treatment plan, passing an exam and sending the kids on their way, right? Since you’re dealing with children and given your age what happens 20 years into the figure is a legitimate concern. We invested emotionally in their lives and paid deep, deep prices for that investment. Thank you for this. The word “racism” has a strong stigma in our culture. I am a foster parent myself. At this point in time, I have to put up with all of this emotional tug of war for the next 7 months at which time her paternal rights will be taken away from her and I can legally adopt him as my own – at the age of 80! He continued the intense screaming, but now was on 2 different meds 4x a day. I stood firm. My mother-in-law and father-in-law live just over the edge of our boarder. Ergo, the sentence is a defacto assertion of my racism. More truma being put on the children trough the system, of which you now have to be a part of, due to the Foster system requirements. Blacks are lower, but so is their population. When there are fathers they are usually not married. I think you are largely right on most of your points (save for the “undeniable fact” that diverse ethnicities grow up in poverty. I honestly had no idea how messed up my family was until I witnessed a healthy family. She said to me one day that she did not want me to resent her when I’m 50 and never had kids. Foster parent training covers the many rules foster parents must abide by, such as locking up medication, completing paperwork, and not taking a child out of state without permission. I say my parents’ greatest ‘privilege’ is the morals they learned, which allowed them to pull themselves out of poverty (twice!) I am going in to with all smiles and rainbows, but needed a lot of medicine to what the truth is. In our case it was about 10 pages of documentation each week. I found myself praying more and more for God to help me help these children, and provide them with a good home and family. But it turns out that the parents were high during the interview. One of the things that it has taught me is that adversity is game changer, not a game ender. That is definitely a concern. Most families spend two or three times bureaucratic anal probe with a much deeper understanding experiences of foster parents the hardest road adoption! 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